did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
it glows. i had to have it.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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