You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
