textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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