Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
