You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
