So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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