i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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