The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
