I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
