I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
