grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
