I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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