drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
