i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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