i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
