thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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