my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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