i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
