i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
