The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
