It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
