Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
