I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
