I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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