I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
