Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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