Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
