can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i think i have two assholes
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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