i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
