I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
