I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
the room spins SO much faster in panama
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
