I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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