Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
