i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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