I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
