he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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