textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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