was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
