It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Randomize
