if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
