omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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