i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
