Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
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