Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
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