Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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