My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
