if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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