she looked like the bat from fern gully.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
