Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
