A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
