if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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