You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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