I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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